The conflict spiral: how to resolve conflicts quickly

1. unfulfilled expectations

Even if we may not be aware of it: We go into most situations with an idea of how the situation should turn out. We have – more or less consciously – an idea of how everything should ideally work. – How others react to us, how they should behave, all of this is already in our minds. The classic starting point for conflicts is usually that such an expectation is not fulfilled by others.

Imagine the following example:

You are in contact with another department within your company. You urgently need to complete a task and need an answer from the employee in the other department as quickly as possible. You wait for his email, but there is no reply for two days. This puts you behind schedule – and in trouble. You had imagined things differently. You had expected your colleague to respond immediately. You think: “Well, how come I can’t get a reply?”

2. disappointment

You probably know this feeling too: if our expectations are not met, we are disappointed. A negative feeling sets in – somewhere between “Oh my God” and “This can’t be true!”

To stay with our example: You expected to receive the urgently needed reply email within 3-4 hours. As it only arrives after two days, you are disappointed.

The next step is to compare the behavior you expected with the actual behavior of the other person. You are irritated. “I would never have taken this long to answer such an important request.” In your world, this behavior is not intended at all. “How must someone be wired to behave like that?” You were sure that everything would work out – and now you have problems. “How can it be that someone only answers after two days? That is simply not appropriate. You should react quickly and reliably!”. You check how you would have behaved in the same situation. Clearly, it would be different for you: if a colleague asks you about something, you don’t just leave them hanging. No, you answer quickly – as quickly as you can. But the other one obviously doesn’t do that. You are irritated.

We have a few more examples for you: If you have a date or an appointment and the person you’re talking to is fifteen minutes late – don’t you expect them to let you know? Your partner has to work late and will be home much later. You expect them to let you know. Someone has accidentally bumped into you and you expect an apology. You think: “That’s quite normal. That’s how you behave.” – You don’t like the fact that the other person doesn’t behave accordingly.

And so, consciously or unconsciously, you have a whole list of expectations in your head that you often only notice when they are not fulfilled. Something that is normal for you doesn’t have to be the same for someone else.

And now? You are irritated: “What was that now?” – and try to explain this strange behavior to yourself. From your own world, of course. What could be motivating you to behave the way the other person is doing? From your point of view, it would look like this: “If I don’t get back to an important email for two days, it’s only because I’m completely indifferent to the other person and I’m simply not interested in whether they’re up in the air and can’t continue working.” We often don’t realize that we are only looking at things from our own perspective – no, we think the world is actually like that.

The colleague we don’t have much to do with. The department on the other floor. If something critical happens, we often interpret it suspiciously. This has evolutionary reasons: Imagine the world 10,000 years ago. If you met someone you didn’t know, it could be a disadvantage to approach them openly and positively. With a bit of bad luck, it could happen that the other person smashed your head in. So pessimism was definitely a good survival strategy. Assuming the worst – and bashing the other person’s head in to be on the safe side – may not be friendly, but it ensures your own survival. Even if the other person came with good intentions, it may have been advantageous to accuse him of the worst. On average, the people most likely to survive were those who were suspicious when they were unable to assess the intentions of others. We are therefore the descendants of suspicious pessimists. In evolutionary terms, mistrust of strangers was a healthy attitude. We still make use of this today: if we don’t know what is going on in others, we tend to interpret their intentions negatively.

5. worry, frustration

You have negative thoughts in your head. The other person doesn’t seem to care about you. You start to extrapolate the behavior. “If he always does it this way – and never answers me quickly – how am I supposed to do my job well?”. Or: “This colleague makes me wait a really long time. How disrespectful! What kind of relationship do we have?” Your mind is running at full speed. You start to worry. “Where will it end if it goes on like this?” You generalize your worries until you’re really frustrated. “I feel totally powerless, I’m in a bad way. Now I have to put up with this stupid situation and I can’t change anything.” You have the impression that you have got into a situation through no fault of your own and can’t get out of it. In short: you feel like a victim.

6. aggression

Most of us can’t stand being in the victim state for long. It is simply too unpleasant. In order to get things moving, the powerless, self-pitying victim feeling quickly turns into anger and aggression. And this is directed at the other person. “Not with me!”, “I won’t put up with it!”, “He probably thinks he can get away with it”, “Where are we going with this?”. You’re really in a rage.

7. apportioning blame

Once we are really angry, we know exactly who is to blame: the other person. We are doing badly, the other person is responsible. Why? Because he’s stupid. Or bad. “He’s at least a reckless a…! It’s as simple as that!” At this stage, no one needs to tell you: “We both have our share” or “We just have different points of view”. Pah! Not at all! – You haven’t done anything wrong, but the other person has. You don’t have a channel free for reason and relativization right now. If it has come to this, then we are temporarily unable to go to the meta-level and look at the situation from above. We have a bad image of others and evaluate their behavior – critically. And how.

We see the guilt and wickedness of the other as proven. Did you know that we receive around 11 million pieces of information with all our senses every moment? Our brain only selects 40 pieces of information. Exactly those that we need right now and that fit into our world view. You can certainly imagine that at such a moment our 1:300,000 filter acts in an enormously biased way and our truth becomes increasingly colored as a result.

8. personal attacks

Now is the time to articulate the blame. Out with it! Let the other person know what he has done – and that it doesn’t work that way! There are personal attacks. At best, we just act bitchy. In the worst-case scenario, we will attack the other person properly, for example by shouting or sending angry emails. It can be below the belt. We want to hurt the other person, after all, we are hurt too. An objective, constructive discussion is not in sight.

9. the circle starts all over again

It is often only through personal attacks that the other person even learns of their happiness. Until now, he had no idea what was simmering inside us. It was only our negative behavior that made it clear to him that something was wrong. This is where the conflict spiral begins.

Back to our example: the employee in the other department has always had the workflow of answering queries within two days. Everything is fine in his world. He did everything right: he replied within two days. Just as it should be – in his world. He is pure of heart. He would have liked to reply sooner, but he has been really stressed recently and has just managed to deal with your request in his own 2-day timeframe. But not bad – you can expect a little understanding. Everyone gets stressed sometimes. When the e-mail with accusations and insinuations – that he is lazy, uncollegial and only thinks of himself – lands in his inbox, he is completely flabbergasted. He had expected something completely different; namely that he would have an unclouded working relationship and that a “thank you” would come from the recipient.

10. the conflict spiral picks up speed

The unfulfilled expectations are now also disappointing him.” What kind of person reacts so bitchily and aggressively to a normal email?”, “I’m supposed to work with someone like that! – I’m not going to put up with that!” He will also blame the other person – and react violently.

This is followed by circle number three in the conflict spiral: you had actually expected your colleague to apologize contritely after your rebuke; that he would ruefully admit that it wasn’t right to keep you waiting so long. After all, it got you into trouble. But this expectation is disappointed. The colleague doesn’t show the slightest bit of understanding, in fact he reacts in a snotty manner. “Cheeky!” you say and strike back… to be continued…

The spiral of conflict can go on for a while before it escalates with a big bang – the “big bang”: everyone is in their own trench. There is no end in sight. Let alone a happy ending. But each of the opponents knows one thing for sure: they are in the right – and the other is to blame. Approaching him – no way. – Nothing works anymore.

At every level of the conflict spiral, you have options to stop the spiral, options to get out. Here are some of them:

Communicate expectations

What can you do to avoid unfulfilled expectations? – You can comment on your expectations in advance. Then the other person knows what you want and can react accordingly.

Check your own expectations

Of course, it makes sense to subject your expectations to a thorough examination.

In our example, you might ask yourself: Is that really the case? Do all people have to reply to emails within 4 hours? Is that a realistic expectation? Or is that perhaps not necessary at all? Maybe it’s okay to answer after a day or two. Perhaps in the course of your self-reflection you will realize that you are not only setting very high standards for others, but also for yourself, which may not even be fulfilled objectively.

To avoid negative interpretations after disappointments and irritations, you can simply approach the other person and ask questions.” What’s going on? How come?”. Your attitude could be to want to understand the other person, to approach them. You really want to find out how this situation came about. If you have all the information you need, then perhaps you can find a way together to improve things in the future.

We have written an exciting blog article about this, which you can find HERE >>>

What other reasons are there why the other person only replied to you after two days? Do you think it’s because he doesn’t care about you at all? But maybe he was just sick. Maybe he was in a meeting that went on for two days. Who knows, he could have simply overlooked your e-mail. Perhaps two days is a completely normal processing time for him. Or he was stressed and didn’t have time. Find explanations that are more benevolent than the most negative ones.

The same applies here: Asking is a good idea!

Feedback

Are you still of the opinion that you would like to discuss the issue with the other person in order to adapt their behavior to your expectations and thus resolve the conflict? Then you can give constructive feedback. This is not about venting your frustration freely. Rather, your feedback should follow constructive rules – the feedback rules:

• Start the conversation friendly and positive. What do you appreciate about the other person, what do you want to / can you say thank you for? This point is important because the other person will then be more receptive to criticism. For example: “Thank you for your detailed reply to my email, I’m always amazed at how many facts you add to your emails.”
• What did you notice? Describe the behavior as the camera films it instead of interpreting it! So not “You don’t seem to care about me”, but “You replied to my email after two days.”
• Bring concrete examples for this behavior. If your counterpart knows what situations you are dealing with, your feedback will be more comprehensible.
• How do you like it? What consequences does this behavior have? How do you feel about it? For example: “I was expecting your reply on the same day and got really stressed because it came much later.”
• What wish would you like? For example, “I would be happy if we could agree on a maximum response time of 24 hours in future, then I can adjust to that.”
• To conclude ask how the other person sees it and whether your suggestion is ok for them.

This constructive type of feedback invites the other person to enter into a dialog with you instead of flattening them.

We have written a very detailed blog article on the subject of giving feedback. You can find it here >>>

Mediation

Perhaps the conflict has already progressed so far that you can no longer resolve it on your own. Both parties may even want to reach an agreement, but the number of injuries on both sides is already so high that you keep ending up in the conflict loop. You are unable to maintain a constructive conversation. Or there is no level with the other person to talk about it.

In these situations, it can be helpful to invite someone to moderate the discussion – a mediator. This person makes sure that the discussion remains constructive, that everyone gets a chance to speak, that no one interrupts the other and that what has been said is summarized again. That way, the other person gets what was meant. It ensures that the parties involved stop putting each other down and instead develop a better understanding of each other. A mediator steers a conversation so that it is focused on solving the problem. After all, all parties want to get rid of the problem.

As berliner team, we have acted as mediators hundreds of times in the corporate context. With good success, as we can proudly claim. We can look back on many constructive discussions and many resolved issues. It is not uncommon for the former conflict parties to get on extremely well today.